Fashion Faux Pas

The 80s are back. But unless you've been living under a rock for the past couple of seasons, you know this by now. You can't go into a department store, Gap, or a boutique without seemingly transporting yourself back to 1985. Slouchy purses? Check. Fluorescent-colored accessories? Check. Tapered jeans? In rainbow colors? Check. Twice. It's not pretty, friends. Thankfully, the AMC show Mad Men is quickly gaining an audience and with it, a newfound popularity of shirt dresses, pearls, fitted pencil skirts, and more feminine looks that are being integrated into today's fashion. Thank goodness. At least someone's creating some wearable, feminine looks.

Until that day comes though, when the super skinny jeans that create an ice cream cone effect are behind us, I feel the need to share with you some advice on personal style that has helped me over the past couple of years. Here is the best advice I have heard on the subject. Are you ready? It's complicated, let me tell you.

Wear what looks good on you. Dress for your body type.

It's that simple. Truly. But what makes it difficult when putting this into practice is that it is seemingly impossible to look at our bodies objectively enough to determine what really does look best. We have this skewed image of our bodies....too much fat here, not enough curve here. Sound familiar? It's hard to know what looks good when we're being overly critical, but I'll tell you what has worked for me. (Note: this is on a good day, when the sun is shining and there are birds chirping and rainbows overhead and everything is right with the world. These days are few and far between, but when you manage to have one grab hold of it, make your way to a store, and try clothes on.)

I go shopping regularly. We're not talking every day of the week (Let's be honest, I'm unemployed and the student loans are still accruing. In fact, you can probably hear them if you are quiet enough.), but just enough to have an idea of what's out there. Go to stores that you've had success with in the past and try clothes on. Don't be afraid to do it! What helps me is putting makeup on and having my hair done, because half the battle of finding the right clothes is being in the right mindset. If you don't feel good about yourself, you're not going to be happy with anything you try on.

I have seemed to have the greatest success lately with TJ Maxx, Marshall's (same stores, basically), and Macy's. What's great about stores such as these is that you can try on clothing from multiple brands, which means that if one doesn't fit, you can just move on to another fairly painlessly. Being limited to one brand can be a blessing or a curse, depending on the fit.

Also, an additional benefit to going shopping often (and I do acknowledge that if you have a full-time job, children, or have allergic reactions to anything remotely associated with shopping that this can seem quite daunting), you are more aware of the pattern in which clearances and markdowns occur, which means you get more for your money! And I am a firm believer in buying things on clearance.

I know, some of your eyes have probably glazed over by this point (all 1 or 2 of you that actually read this), and that's okay. Shopping isn't for everyone. But we all get frustrated when our clothes don't seem to look right on us, yes? We've all been there. It's only fair when someone discovers something that might work that they share it with the rest of us. And that's what I'm trying to do. Prevent some horrible fashion from occuring. Because really, no one wants to see too much skin. Or the dimples of fat in your rear. Or the girls leaping out of your blouse as you walk down the street. Or the half jean skirt that looks as if the other half of it got caught in your car door.

I will leave you with an unfortunate incident that occurred on Friday while I was lunching with my mom. A man with a bluetooth in his ear (First of all, I have to admit that I judge people who use these. Most of us aren't that important to need them. It's true.), a faux leather jacket, and fairly light-washed denim. The pleather and light denim look is a fashion faux pas on its own, but it was made complete due to the even lighter section of denim that was on the outside of his crotch zipper. That's right. His "package" area was illuminated, if you will. People. This tactic is intended to specifically draw attention to that area. And let me answer your question before you get a chance to ask it. They were bought that way. This wasn't an unfortunate result of a bleach encounter, similar to Kara's "coffee on khaki uniform skirt that made for an obscene image" Senior Year incident. No. This was the "Hey, here's my manhood, front and center. Check it out! Yeah."

But here's the best part: I looked twice, not because I was interested, but because I was trying to figure out what exactly was going on. And that's exactly what the jeans are intended to do. Yes. Make you look twice. But if that wasn't bad enough, his reaction made it worse. He looked down to make sure his zipper was zipped. And I just wanted to say, "Look, buddy. If you're confident enough to wear jeans intended to bring attention to your little friend, then you need to not look insecure when the jeans actually elicit the attention."

So while you're out searching for those perfect pair of jeans-which have still eluded me, by the way-just make sure not to get a pair of jeans with a lighter-shaded crotch for the man in your life. Because, really. If you're having to call attention to it, then you're just setting yourself up for failure.