Confessions of a New Mom: Eisinger Edition

I believe it’s a rite of passage for new moms to write about things that surprise them or that may be surprising to others once they’re in the throes of Baby Madness. Well, here’s my list:

1. People tell you that you “forget about all the pain and discomfort of pregnancy and labor/delivery the second that baby is in your arms”. This isn’t true. I recall quite vividly the first trimester filled with all day nausea, the bed rest that began in my second trimester, and the pain of labor in my third trimester. You know that saying, “Never forget” and usually it’s about the sacrifice that veterans have made for our country? Yeah, that’s how I feel about this whole process. Before you start berating me, IT WAS WORTH IT. And I’ll likely do it again. Maybe by that point all of the details will be just a distant memory.
2. I (we) feel a little robbed of the last part of pregnancy since Vivi came early. That is PRECIOUS TIME. For dates, for mentally preparing for labor and the sleep deprivation that ensues. It was going to be time to get Vivi’s room ready, to prepare Tina for becoming a big sister…well, okay, that might be taking it too far. But we had things to do! And more importantly, that little peanut needed to incubate just a little longer, so she could grow essential things like eyebrows and eyelashes. And for lung development and all that other stuff too.
3. I don’t know what to say when people tell me I look like I never had a baby. “Thank you” sounds snobby, or something, so I just usually say, “Well, I lucked out. Next time, maybe not so much.” It’s not like I started doing crunches immediately post-delivery. It felt like I did about 1,000 of them every day for the first few weeks, but basically all I did was make milk. And sit. And eat. And pump.
4. Speaking of which…I. Hate. Pumping. You essentially put giant suction cups to your ta-tas and they get all swollen and stuff. They’re always tender. It’s pretty much the most unsexy thing in the world.
5. Speaking of ta-tas…it is nice that they’re bigger these days. I wear the same shirts that I did pre-pregnancy but they fit me differently now and I feel pretty good about it. Cleavage! Who knew?? Victoria Secret’s got nothing on milk boobs.
6. I’m bitter that I never used the “Stork Parking” for expectant women at Babies R Us. I never felt pregnant enough to need it and then by the time I actually was legitimately waddling, Vivi came. Surprise! Now when I see the women parking there I glare a little bit, as I lug the huge carseat and diaper bag out of the car. It should be for new moms, not for pregnant ones! They need the exercise! You burn more calories breastfeeding than you do growing the human, so I’m burning more calories than they are just by existing! I don’t need to burn those extra few by having to park further away.
7. Like Emily from Oblongmom who posted about this just this week, I am hypersensitive to sounds now. I about went nuts on my mom after she rang the doorbell too many times. Some unlucky Jehovah’s Witnesses are going to see an unleashed fury like none other if they wake my sleeping babe. Hell hath no fury like a frazzled mom with a mile-long to do list and an irritable, sleepy babe.
8. Along the same token, I still haven’t figured out where all of the damn creaks in the hardwood floors are. There are two right near the threshold of Vivi’s doorway and I hold my breath every time I check to make sure she’s breathing (because don’t all new moms do that from time to time???) because it’s about a 50-50 shot that I’m going to make the biggest creaking sound in the universe.
9. Being a new mom is lonely. Seriously. You think life isn’t going to change…well you know it is, but you don’t know what it looks like until you’re in the thick of it, and then you can’t see out. Some friends embrace the new baby, some of them don’t know what to do with them, and it’s all very weird. So you try to hang out with other people and expand your horizons and that’s really nice and all, but you end up missing parts of your old life too. I’m currently working on not eating my feelings.
10. I’m just as likely to read aloud the headlines or whatever book I’m currently reading as I am any kids’ books. Sometimes Vivi learns about the crime rates in Louisville, the healthcare reform, or Fifty Shades of Gray. It’s never too early to learn about current events, right?
11. I want to play dress up with Vivi all the time. I seriously just want to put her in Halloween costumes daily. Little vegetable costumes, chicks, whatever. I’m a sucker for baby costumes.
12. Some (read: most) days I’m lucky to get dressed by 11am. This has come as a total shock to me. PV (that’s pre-Vivi) I was always up and dressed before 9am, or I considered the day to be a waste.
13. When Vivi cries, I sometimes don’t know what to do. I mean, she’s fed, she’s got a clean diaper, she’s being held and still she sometimes just cries. I really think she’s just as happy being held by someone else as she is by me. Maybe eventually she’ll get to that stage where she’d rather me hold her than anyone else.
14. Vivi loves to be sung to. It puts her right to sleep. Either that or she thinks my voice is so terrible that she plays possum so that I’ll put her to bed. “Thank God that woman quit warbling.” But seriously, the songs that come to my mind are almost always hymns. I love them; don’t get me wrong, but every time I sing to her I wonder if she’s going to be a fire and brimstone kind of girl. I guess it’s better than singing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.
15. I’m a seriously Type A person, and it always surprises people that I don’t freak out about them holding Vivi. Quite frankly, I will possibly trade some of my organs on the black market for someone to come over and hold Vivi long enough for me to get some uninterrupted sleep.
I’m sure there are more things to write, but I currently have a squawking baby in the other room who may or may not be consoled when I pick her up.

Until next time (whenever that may be),

E.